


Animal Magnetism

by Ad_Astra



Category: Free!
Genre: 30DoR, Crack, Humour, M/M, cheap lecherous jokes, implied souharu near the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 01:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3230651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ad_Astra/pseuds/Ad_Astra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Rin is a remorseless manwhore, and Makoto is the poor sod who has to deal with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Animal Magnetism

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is shallower than Harutobi-chan's bird bath so please don't take it too seriously.
> 
> Special thanks to [attemptsonwords](http://archiveofourown.org/users/attemptsonwords) for the beta!

Makoto is a good person. He helps old ladies cross the street, feeds stray cats, is the first to volunteer his services especially for things requiring sweaty, manual labour, and graciously lets other people get the best parts of the chicken. He is a nice, respectable boy, a responsible captain, a patient, self-sacrificing older brother, and the de facto mom friend of his motley crew of misfits.

So what could he have possibly done to deserve this?

"So... you're saying that these guys," he starts carefully, casting his gaze towards the five other people sitting on his bedroom floor. "Are all your boyfriends."

“Yes,” Rin answers cheerfully as he helps himself to the English homework Makoto abandoned in order to accommodate him, and begins correcting it.

“And you want me to help you…”

“Serve as our mediator.”

“Mediator?” Makoto squeaks out. “Are you guys expecting a fight?”

“No of course not. I want to settle this in a civil manner as much as possible,” Rin answers. “I’m leaving for Australia in a month, which you know, poses a problem for the respective futures of my relationships. All five of them.”

“And they need to be here with you because…?"

Rin stares at Makoto like the answer should be obvious. “For transparency purposes, of course," he explains. "I’ve never hidden anything from any of them, and I’m not about to start now, especially for something as important as the future.”

"...I see."

Maybe Makoto was a serial killer in his past life or something. Or someone who stomped on baby chicks and pushed old ladies into traffic. A serial killer of old ladies and baby chicks maybe. It’s the only reason this is happening to him right now.

Makoto swallows, and turns back to the rest of the boys in his room. When Rin called him earlier asking for relationship advice, Makoto had been more than happy to help, even when he was really busy with school work which are all due tomorrow. Rin rarely asks for advice, so whatever it is, it must be something particularly troubling, especially since he’s willing to come all the way over to Makoto’s house on a weeknight just so they could speak face to face.

He was expecting Rin’s issues to be somewhere along the lines of “I gave the wrong gift” or “I farted right before we were about to do it and now I think I’ll never get laid again" or "I tried to be romantic and covered our bed in cherry blossoms but it turns out he's allergic." He was expecting something serious enough to warrant external help but common enough that Makoto’s in a position to give advice on it.

He was not expecting Rin to bring in five different boys and ask Makoto to help him decide what to do with them.

It's a good thing Makoto's entire family is out for the night, or he'd have to make some very creative excuses as to why the twins cannot come over to play with them.

He has tried pinching himself several times to see if he could somehow wake himself up from this horrible nightmare, but all he gets for his efforts is an angry bruise on his arm and funny looks from the rest of Rin’s ultimate Samezuka relay team.

That’s right, Rin appears to be sleeping with _all three_ of his teammates, which gives rise to some other definition of _relay_ in the part of Makoto’s brain that Kisumi has long since influenced. Makoto couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with three completely different people, but Rin has always been an overachiever. So much in fact that his three teammates are clearly not enough, because Rin has seen it fit to take two from Makoto’s own relay team too. Actually, forget relay team, Rin now has enough to form a basketball team, or even a volleyball team if he includes himself.

Yamazaki is sitting beside Makoto’s desk, looking like he wants to be anywhere but here, arms folded, jaw clenched, that patented manhood-withering glare practically a permanent fixture on his face.

The younger, littler Mikoshiba had been restless when Rin dragged him inside, unable to sit still, and has basically entertained himself by touching all of Makoto’s belongings three times over, until Rin forced him to sit down and handed him something shiny to distract him. That shiny something, unfortunately, was Makoto’s limited edition Monster Hunter 3DS, and Momo is currently being a little bit too enthusiastic with the stylus, making Makoto despair for the state of his touchscreen after this is all over.

Nitori is sitting primly on the floor, conversing quietly with Rei, the two of them partaking the tea Makoto supposedly prepared for Rin and himself. Makoto has never seen them talk before, and yet neither of them seem to be experiencing any awkwardness, which is shortly explained when he hears the name “Nagisa” being thrown in at one point.

Last is Haru, who has settled himself on the farthest corner of Makoto’s room, near the paper waste basket, and keeping himself busy by carving his new line of Iwatobi-chan key chains. Only this time, as per Nagisa’s suggestion, it now includes chibi versions of the swim club members instead, so now there’s Harutobi-chan, Makotobi-chan, Nagitobi-chan and Reitobi-chan to keep their beloved mascot company. 

“So? What do you think?” Rin asks, after Makoto’s prolonged silence.

Makoto could think of several choice things he could answer Rin with right now. Obvious things like “When did you become such a manwhore?” or  “Rin, you need professional help.” But after a quick assessment of the situation, it’s painstakingly clear that Makoto’s the only one taking issue with this arrangement, because all of Rin's boyfriends are unbelievably calm (except for Momo, but it’s for an entirely different matter altogether). Makoto’s fairly certain that at least one of them should be crying or screaming or chucking random objects at Rin’s head for his betrayal but there’s none of that here; everyone is simply keeping quiet and doing their own thing. 

It makes Makoto somewhat envious of Rin's ability to handle people, because lord knows Makoto can barely get his own team to sit still long enough to take a formal picture, and here Rin is, amicably settling down his harem on the floor of Makoto's bedroom without some modicum of disorder whatsoever. While Makoto could argue that having Nagisa as a team mate greatly increases the difficulty level of this particular life skill, Rin has Momo, so Makoto has no excuse.

Maybe it’s a Rin thing. Maybe he emits some sort of charisma pollen  that make him irresistible to people and consequently paint the premise of polyamory in a much more attractive light. Or maybe it’s the shark teeth. Animal magnetism, that sort of thing.

“Makoto?”

Of course, it’s entirely possible that the five of them are taking their time and internally plotting Rin’s demise. But Haru’s too lazy to come up with revenge, Yamazaki didn’t break his shoulder to swim with Rin only to turn on him, Nitori adores Rin too much to kill him, Rei is perfectly aware of the repercussions of homicide, and Momo probably thinks it just part of another relay training exercise, seeing as Rin is practicing very hard with four other people.

“Earth to Makoto, are you there?”

“How?” is all Makoto blurts out from his extensive analysis on the current matter. Belatedly, he realizes that was really vague, but that’s all he can roll out of his tongue right now, and besides, Rin’s a smart guy, he’ll figure it out.

“Well I don’t have sex with all five of them at the same time you know,” Rin answers seriously. “Theoretically, it’s possible, but I’m not really up to figuring out the logistics of that right now.”

Makoto feels his face heat up, and his mouth struggles to come up with words that would explain what he meant. “No I mean. Um. Time. You need. Um, time for five people, how?”

Rin’s eyes widen in understanding. “Oh! Well that’s easy. One for each weekday.”

“One. For each weekday,” Makoto repeats dumbly.

“Yeah,” Rin replies. “I wouldn’t have made it this far without proper time management.” He rifles through his bag and hands Makoto a notebook with a table drawn on it, filled with Rin’s neat block handwriting. “Here’s the schedule I made originally, for your reference.”

Makoto takes the notebook, unsure of what to feel. “You have a written schedule.”

“Yeah, and oh, don’t mind the other details, that’s just for my own personal records.”

 _Details_? Makoto takes a look and immediately wishes himself blind. “Ohmygod.”

“I know right?” Rin says, smiling proudly. “I thought you might find it useful.”

“Thanks Rin,” Makoto says weakly, as his mind reels back towards those other details he can never ever unsee, which includes such interesting things like ‘Butterfly Cross Fusion’ under Sousuke Mondays, or ‘Pool Fingers’ under Haru Fridays, and 'Tantric Theories' under Rei Wednesdays. “I appreciate your… thoughtfulness.”

Rin smirks. “Of course Makoto, I trust you with these things.”

 _I'd rather that you didn't,_ Makoto doesn't say. He notices other elaborate descriptions on the next page, but they seem to have been blurred by suspicious… looking... stains... and oh god, that’s it, Makoto can’t do this right now, he needs backup, stat.

Makoto closes the notebook, taking care to only touch the edges, and gives it back to Rin. Then he quickly pulls out his phone and with shaking fingers, types an SOS message to Kisumi asking exactly that. Not even 10 seconds later, he receives:

> **S. Kisumi (=^-ω-^=)** : !!!  Let me just get some stuff and I’ll be there in half an hour! 

That done, he puts his phone back in his pocket and slowly turns his attention back towards the five boyfriends.

He slowly sifts through the facts of the situation, carefully bypassing the stuff he never ever wants to think about unless he absolutely has to, before finally settling on the question he should’ve asked from the very beginning: “Are you guys okay with this?”

He is met with a variety of non-verbal reactions, ranging from a nod and painful grimace (Yamazaki), a careless shrug (Haru), and an expression of clear yearning thrown in Rin’s general direction (Nitori), all of which Makoto presumes to be some manner of assent.

That done, he asks another question: "May I ask why?"

They all look at one another before answering.

“I believe this is because Rin-san has never mentioned an exclusivity clause that would be in effect for the duration of our relationship with him.”

“Rin-senpai is perfect and his heart is big enough for five people. More even! And I’m just happy he’s dedicating some of that love for me.”

“I’m only gay on Thursdays.”

“Rin gave me a copy of the keys to the Samezuka pool.”

“I learned the hard way what overexertion can do for the body, so a weekly schedule is sufficient. Besides, he’s already my roommate five times a week.”

Makoto takes a moment to digest this new wave of information before forming his conclusion: “So basically, you don't care who gets a piece of Rin as long as one of them is you?”

He’s met by collective nodding, and Makoto has to admit, as much as it strains credulity, this display of unity is actually pretty heart warming.

“Did Rin tell you about his plans for Australia before this?” is his next question.

They all nod.

“Any expectations from this meeting?”

They all shrug.

Makoto is getting alarmed by the appalling passiveness displayed by all concerned parties in this whole situation. He knows he shouldn’t be complaining, but no one gets along this well, especially about a matter concerning a romantic relationship with a single person, and particularly in a group that includes both Yamazaki and Haru.

“I gave them the talk already Makoto, they all know this is going to be a make it or break it deal,” Rin volunteers as if reading Makoto’s mind. 

Makoto turns to look at him, surprised. “So you’re still considering the status quo?”

Rin doesn’t reply, and simply stares at Makoto’s English homework like it holds the answers to all his problems. “Ideally...”

That won’t do. Makoto knows that Rin has already given the matter exhaustive thought, and while he has a romantic steak a mile wide, he's also logical where it matters, and this definitely matters. Something has to give, and it's impossible for Rin not to realize this.

Still, Makoto understands if Rin is clinging to one desperate hope that an outsider's opinion would give him new insights that would result to courses of action other than the obvious.

It's just too bad he chose Makoto. He hates to be the bearer of bad news but it has to be said.

With a heavy heart, he stands up, not meeting anyone's eyes. '"Would you please excuse us for a minute," he says to the room at large, as he taps Rin’s arm and gestures for him to leave his room and proceed into the balcony.

"Rin," he starts as soon as the door slides shut. "You can't have five boyfriends."

Rin scowls and shoves his hands down his pockets, looking dejected. "I know that,” he mutters, confirming Makoto's suspicions. “That’s why I went to you.”

"What do I have to do with any of this?!"

"I need you to help me _choose_.“

Oh. Well at least that takes care of the part where Makoto convinces Rin that five is an absurd number of relationships he can hold simultaneously, especially when he’ll be in an entirely different continent a few weeks from now. The fact that Makoto even had to consider having to convince Rin of this is ridiculous. "Just so we’re clear, you’re only choosing _one_ of them, right?”

Rin’s eyes are beginning to water but he scrubs them dry with the back of his hand. "Yeah," he sniffs. "It's’ a difficult, emotional decision, and since you’re the only monogamous person in my peer group, I thought you’d be the best person to help me decide.”

Makoto is deeply touched by Rin’s confidence in him, but it doesn’t change the fact that this whole situation is an entire universe of surreal. He doesn't know what's worse: having to advise Rin on how to handle 5 boyfriends or advising him on how to choose only one. Either way will end in tears (definitely), violence (likely), and total disillusionment on the subject of romance (a statistical probability).

He takes a quick glance inside his room to check if anyone has punched anyone yet while he and Rin weren’t looking. Thankfully, they're behaving themselves, though Momo seems to have given Makoto’s 3DS a rest and has turned his attention to watching Haru paint his finished carving, a Rintobi-chan this time, judging from the colour scheme and delicately polished butt area.

He turns back to Rin and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” he says. “We’re going to go back in there, and you’re going to tell me and them exactly what you like about the others, so they’ll have an idea why if ever you end up choosing someone who isn’t them. And then, when everything is laid out on the table, make a choice.”

Rin wrinkles his nose, clearly unhappy about the idea. “Do I really have to?”

“Rin, you agreed to a one-man policy moving forward remember?”

“No I meant the part about telling them about my feelings and stuff. That’s so embarrassing!”

Makoto smiles wryly. “As I recall, transparency is also another one of your policies so...”

Rin scowls and lightly punches Makoto on the arm, unappreciative of his rare show of smartassery. ”Ugh, fine. But this won’t leave the room alright? ”

There are many many things he never wants to leave this room to be honest, so Makoto nods, and thumps his left breastbone with a fist for emphasis. “I promise.”

*

"Well, I’ve always admired Haru,” Rin starts, looking down at the floor, a fierce blush blooming across his face. “You know how some people get rose-coloured vision? He gets sakura vision, with the flying petals and stuff-- it’s not funny Haru, I’m trying to tell you my feelings here, god.”

Makoto throws Haru an admonishing look, and Haru’s shoulders stop quivering eventually.

“Yes well, anyway,” Rin continues when he has Haru’s full attention again. “Haru’s the reason I was able to get out of my emo funk last year. Him and Rei actually. He just... makes swimming better for me as a whole.”

Haru actually turns his head to the side hiding his smile at that, and Rei looks teary-eyed. Makoto beams, genuinely glad about how his suggestion is going so well. “That’s great Rin,” he says with an encouraging nod. “Keep going.”

Rin nods and turns towards Sousuke, scratching the back of his neck. “Sousuke's my best friend, and he has made huge sacrifices to keep our friendship going. We have so much history together, and we all know these little things about each other, things we never told anyone. He’s the one who knows me best, so much in fact that we're almost the same person.”

“If you think about it that way, it feeds your low key narcissism kink,” Sousuke adds, and dodges a kick to his shins for his cheek.

Rin glares a little at Sousuke before turning to Momo. “Momo is just eager for everything basically, and his happiness is so simple. I feel energized just looking at him. Also, him being with me means him being away from Gou so that's a plus. And sometimes, Buchou joins us, and those times were pretty fucking wild."

Makoto groans. “Please, no details I’m begging you.”

Rin shrugs and continues, turning towards Nitori. “Ai is loyal to me. He's seen me at my worst, so of course I will also give him my best, etcetera  etcetera. He puts up with my emotional shit and I put up with his gross desk hygiene.”

Nitori blushes and stammers something about the improvement of his desk's status from certified disaster zone to regular trash heap, but Rin has already moved on to Rei.

“Rei is a just a really good match for me,” Rin starts. “I mean, we see eye-to-eye on so many things, like our love for theories and the way we approach swimming. He’s the only one I can talk to that makes me feel challenged on an intellectual level. Plus, he bakes me butterfly cookies that won't make me fat. Also--”

He's rudely interrupted when the door flings dramatically open, and Makoto’s nose is instantly overpowered by the scent of super expensive cologne. “Ohmygod Makoto, you have no idea how long I’ve waited for-- holy shit, what are you all doing here?!”

Rin sizes up Kisumi from head to toe,  one eyebrow raised. “Makoto, I know you’re generous to a fault, but even _I_ think this is kind of pushing it.”

With a horrible, ice-cube feeling skittering down his spine, Makoto takes a look at the door and nearly gets an embolism.

“Kisumi,” Yamazaki deadpans. “Why are you dressed in a sexy cat suit?”

Makoto leaps from the bed and reaches the door in two strides, shielding Kisumi with his body as he simultaneously pushes him out of the room.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he calls out to Rin and co., before closing the door behind him and ushering Kisumi to the twin's bedroom.

”What are you doing?!”  he demands, as grabs Kisumi's coat and practically manhandles him into it.

“Me?” Kisumi whispers back just as frantically, allowing Makoto to fuss over him. “Did you read the text you sent me-- what was I supposed to think?!”

“What are you talking about, I was just asking you to come over ASAP!”

Kisumi glares at him, and it’s a surprisingly delicate expression, no doubt attributable to the ginger cat ears he jammed on his pink fluffy head to accompany the whole seductive feline ensemble. He fishes his phone out from somewhere, and wordlessly shows Makoto the screen:

 

> **BAE <3:** I’m in my ro om, pls com quick i nee d you so b ad
> 
> **KissMe Candy:** !!! Let me just get some stuff and I’ll be there in half an hour!

Makoto blinks.

Oh.

He swallows and lets out a nervous laugh. In his defense, the sentiment still stands, but okay, he won’t deny that it does come off as your run-of-the-mill booty call. “Okay, sorry. I didn’t really think about it,” he mumbles sheepishly.

Kisumi raises an eyebrow. “Yeah? I’m not going to waste this outfit just so you know.”

Oh Makoto knows alright. And it's not like he doesn't like it; in fact, he’d love nothing more than to kick everyone out of his room and have his wicked way with his boyfriend but... “Kisumi, I really appreciate it, but this is really not the time.”

“Makoto this is PVC spandex, so skin-tight you can even see my back dimples and I’m not leaving until you peel it off me with your teeth.”

Makoto feels a reflexive jolt of heat in his groin at the mental image that elicited, but his logic stages an intervention before his imagination can proceed further. “Kisumi, Rin and the others are still here.”

“But I even wore high heeled boots,” Kisumi whines. “Can’t we all just ask them to leave?”

“Kisumi, I can’t just ask them to leave-- Rin expects me to help him solve this.”

Kisumi sighs, resigned. “Why must you always be such a nice guy,” he grumbles, as he finishes closing his coat buttons and making himself look decent for present company again. “Alright fine. Let’s go find a solution to Rin’s problems, but when we’re done, I expect to be thoroughly compensated."

Relieved, Makoto gives Kisumi a short peck on the cheek. “Anything,” he promises, in a tone that he hopes to convey both his desperation and seriousness about the matter. “If you can resolve this in half an hour, name it and I will do it.”

Kisumi’s eyes glimmer with the metal spark of something dangerous, and Makoto is fairly certain he's committed to something he might regret later on, but well, desperate times call for desperate measures and all that jazz.

“In that case," Kisumi practically purrs, staying true to character, and Makoto swears the fluffy ginger cat ears on his head are twitching as he leans forward. “Will you give me a rundown of the situation?”

*

“... So in conclusion,” Kisumi explains animatedly. “You can just break up with all of them so you don’t have to choose anymore! If you’re going to move on, move on to someone new. Like us!”

Makoto wants to bang his head on the wall until he passes out into the next decade. “Kisumi,” he grits out. “This is not what I meant.”

And because the world apparently hates Makoto, Rin actually appears to be intrigued by this outrageous proposition, if the way he’s tapping his chin and scrutinizing both of them is any indication. “That would solve the problem of me needing to choose,” he muses, unaware of the sudden influx of decimating glares being shot in their general direction.

Makoto catches the warning look in Haru's eyes and hastily turns back towards Rin. “Rin, you can’t be serious.”

Except Makoto knows that Rin totally _is_ , judging by the confused look on his face. “Why not?” he asks in a low, breathy tone of voice that has no business being let out to a roomful of people who want to fuck him. He leans forward towards Makoto, a few strands of his hair falling over to frame his face, the collar of his black, wide-necked shirt falling over one shoulder, and tilts his head in question.

Makoto gulps and reaches out to delicately set it back. “Rin you know why.”

“I don’t actually,” Rin says, and gives Makoto a smouldering look that has Makoto chanting _charisma pollen, charisma pollen_ in his head. “Kisumi already agreed.”

“You don’t want me,” Makoto says desperately, switching tactics. “I’m boring. Just your painfully average boy next door. Total vanilla bean.”

If anything, this just makes Rin even more insistent. “A vanilla bean with an amazing body, pecs that can make buttons leap from your shirt, and if Kisumi’s claims have any backing, a really huge di--"

“--No,” Makoto interrupts, his ears burning as he reaches behind him to cover his lap with a pillow. “Rin, I’m not like you okay, I can only date one person at a time.”

Rin throws Makoto an unimpressed look. “Oh come on Makoto, if I could handle five, you should at least be able to handle two. I believe in you.”

Makoto wants to run from the room screaming. He can feel his grip on his pillow tightening unconsciously, and if he isn't careful, he might end up hitting someone with it, with both Rin and Kisumi being the most attractive prospects. Makoto is about as far removed from violence as Haru is from keeping his clothes on near a body of water, but that's where his pillow as the weapon of choice comes in: it won't hurt as much but it'll be immensely satisfying.

Rin, to his credit, notices and smiles ruefully. “Alright Makoto I get it, just calm down okay.”

Makoto wants to laugh. Here he is, frustratedly quelling violent urges and is near-tears because of it, and _Rin_ is telling him to calm down. This is the twilight zone.

Kisumi reaches out to squeeze Makoto’s hand, and it makes Makoto breathe a little easier. “Sorry, I was just offering him a different perspective,” he murmurs apologetically, and turns towards Rin. “So what will it be, Rin?"

Rin closes his eyes and lets out a long-suffering sigh that lasts a length of time that can only be made possible by his insane lung capacity.  “I can’t decide.”

“Rin you have to,” KIsumi insists.  “Either you break up with all of them and enjoy singlehood for a while, or make a choice among your six--”

“--Five,” Makoto interrupts.

“Er, yes _five_ options and apologize to the rest,” Kisumi finishes.

“Please Rin,” Makoto asks quietly. When Rin stubbornly doesn't budge, he decides to up the ante with his tried-and- tested kicked puppy face (brow knitted, eyes wide with strategic blinking and finishing strong with a dejected jut of his lower lip) because he’s really grasping at straws here.

Rin stares at Makoto's tired expression and frowns. “Why must you always do that face when you’re telling me off,” he grumbles, before turning back his attention to the five people waiting for his decision. “Fine. I choose…”

The door suddenly opens with a bang, effectively putting a halt to Rin’s current mate selection process, and Makoto reminds himself that he’s well past the age of throwing tantrums, as he turns to look at the door.

He groans. "Nagisa. Please don't tell me you're the surprise Saturday boyfriend.”

"Nah, I don’t fuck on weekends,” Rin says before Nagisa can reply. “Saturday is personal space time. Also known as healing time, depending on how rough Haru was the night --”

“--And Sunday is?” Makoto interrupts loudly before Rin can finish that sentence.

“Family time of course,” Rin answers. “Mom's orders."

“Okay.” So Nagisa isn’t another boyfriend. At least Rin is leaving _someone_ from Makoto’s team out of his harem.

“Mako-chan, what’s going on?” Nagisa asks, pouting. “Why is everyone here, and why wasn’t I told?”

“Believe me, you don’t want to know,” Makoto mutters darkly, before catching himself, and taking a deep breath to calm himself down. He couldn't afford to get snippy now, especially when he's so close to finally resolving this issue and hopefully erasing it from his memory banks forever via repeated application of mind-shattering orgasms care of Kisumi later on. “How did you find out we’re here anyway?”

“I was on my way to Haru-chan’s when I noticed your front door slightly open. When I peeked inside, I saw all these pairs of shoes, so I knew you were all doing something without me.”

“It’s not what you think,” Rin assures him.

“We’re playing something like ‘The Bachelor,’ except there’s no prize money and surprisingly no drama,” Kisumi adds.

Nagisa’s eyes widen as he takes in Kisumi’s words and the line of people squeezed into the floor of Makoto’s room. “Oooh, so you’re all Rin-chan’s boyfriends? That’s so cool!” he gushes, as he plops himself down on the space beside Rin. “No wonder you’re always so busy to hang out with me Rin-chan.”

“Hey, I made time for you just two weeks ago,” Rin protests. “I gave up my whole Saturday afternoon for you remember?”

Haru's eyes narrow. "I thought you said you don't fuck on weekends."

Rin rolls his eyes. "We didn't!" he says crossly. "We just hung out. We went to see a movie, then we had dinner, and then we went to the game center."

“That’s cute,” Kisumi comments.

“That’s all?” Makoto asks.

“Yeah!” Nagisa confirms, looking puzzled. “I mean, what else could we possibly have done Mako-chan?”

Makoto blanches and holds up his hands. “Nothing!” he blurts out defensively. “I’m very happy to hear you and Rin had some…  wholesome friendly bonding that's all.”

Nagisa stares long and hard at him before comprehension slowly dawns on his features. “Oh. I get it. You’re thinking of _those_ kinds of things.” He shrugs, and sighs unhappily, picking at some lint on his clothes. “Well I’m not. I haven’t even had a boyfriend before so…”

“I have to admit Hazuki-san, I’m surprised to hear that Momo has you beat in _that_ race,”  Nitori says, eyebrow raised

Nagisa tilts his head to the side. “Huh? How can that be Ai-chan, when Momo-chan swims a different stroke?” 

Rin smiles exasperatedly. “Nothing gets past you, huh?” he says, reaching out to ruffle Nagisa’s hair. “I have to say though, this is really refreshing.”

Nagisa leans into Rin’s hand. “I feel so left out with you guys though,” he whines. “I wish I could relate to you about these things.”

Rin stops his ruffling his hair, his expression going from fond to thoughtful in the blink of an eye. “Do you want to?”

The penny drops. Makoto is acutely aware of the surge of tension in the room, and he quickly finds himself fearing for Nagisa’s life, when Rin’s boyfriends all stop what they’re doing to collectively glower at the newest challenger for Rin’s everything.

"I mean, not just that," Rin clarifies. "We can do other stuff too. Like what we did Saturday? That was great, even if you force-fed me and called me a crybaby."

Nagisa lights up, like Rin just gifted him a lifetime supply of strawberry shortcake. "Yeah, that was super fun," he muses happily, and Makoto privately wonders how much of that is applicable to the part about bullying Rin. "I still sleep beside the stuffed toy you--" 

Rin loudly clears his throat, his ears curiously red. "Anyway, there's that. And I guess we just need to figure out the Australia thing." 

"I can visit you," Nagisa quickly answers, undaunted. "I heard they have great beaches in Australia!"

"They do," Rin agrees. "We'd totally make a killing in beach volleyball."

"We totally would! Whoo! Now I'm super excited!"

Makoto ought to say something about the completely unexpected turn this conversation has taken (he's the mediator after all), but when he opens his mouth to speak, he's immediately halted by Kisumi’s foot pressing down on the pillow on his lap, causing indirect pressure on his crotch. And Kisumi's still wearing those high heeled boots. Makoto throws him a  _look_ , and Kisumi actually _winks_ at him, before his face resumes that vague air of fascination over the absence of Nagisa’s romantic life and Rin's coincidental willingness to change it.

Makoto sees Nagisa’s eyes darting towards Kisumi’s direction for the briefest of moments, which confirms Makoto’s suspicions in a mind-blowing way. Nagisa and Kisumi, collaborating together to solve Matsuoka Rin’s harem problems, this has to be either the worst or best team-up in the history of ever. 

“If you really want this Nagisa, you have to be serious. We're going to do the whole long-distance thing you know,” Rin says sternly. “We’re going to be in a real, monogamous relationship and you know I don’t do anything half-assed.”

Nagisa nods eagerly. “I will do everything full-assed Rin-chan,” he promises, practically sparkling.

Makoto warily eyes the way Yamazaki is winding his shoulder, as if readying it for an activity that may possibly involve repeated extensions of his arm for blunt force trauma purposes. Haru carefully looks up from the new Iwatobi-chan he’s currently carving, the chisel handle wrapped tightly in his fist. Rei is looking around Makoto’s room as if appraising the existing exit points and loose objects he can use in the inevitable battle. Nitori is eyeing the half-empty teapot and checking the temperature of its contents, while Momo reaches into his backpack and emerges with a... boomerang.

Oh dear.

Makoto sees Rin reaching for Nagisa’s hand, but when he opens his mouth to try to stop them, it’s too late.

“I choose Nagisa,” Rin announces.

Silence reigns for a few moments before Makoto’s room explodes in flurry of violence. Teapots and cups are hurled across the room, and half-finished, nose-less Iwatobi-chans are hurled back with equal valour. Punches are thrown, there’s blood everywhere, and at the end of it all, a boomerang flies around the room and breaks every single thing Makoto owns, including his TV and game consoles, even things it should not have logically hit, like the secret stash of chocolate under his bed.

Or at least that’s what Makoto thought would happen. Belatedly, he realizes that no one is killing anyone, his room is perfectly intact, and everyone is looking at him like _he’s_ the one who has gone off the deep end. The fact that he’s backed up against the wall, cowering behind an extra large pillow may have something to do with that.

“Are you okay, Makoto?” Haru asks, brows furrowed.

Makoto blinks and rubs his eyes. Then he blinks again. “Wha… What’s going on?”

“I was just explaining to these guys that just because I have a new boyfriend doesn’t mean I can’t maintain my meaningful relationships with all of them,” Rin informs Makoto, before turning to regard them one by one.

“Sousuke, you’re my best friend and I’ll always love you. And I promise, you’re the only one I will ever bro-fist and throwdown with,” he declares.

“Kinky,” Kisumi comments, and yelps when Makoto pinches his thigh.

Rin doesn’t appear to have heard Kisumi’s unwarranted commentary and holds out his fist to Sousuke. “No hard feelings?”

The hard line of Yamazaki’s jaw remains stiff for a moment but it quickly relaxes, lips breaking out in a handsome, sincere smile.  “Please, I’m the king of ‘getting over it,’” he scoffs before reaching up and knocking his fist against Rin’s.

Rin grins back and turns to Haru next. “Haru, you’ll always be that person who opened my eyes to the world, and I’m sure that wherever we go in life, we’ll find ways to connect. Also, I'm still kicking your ass in our next race.”

Haru pauses, considering Rin’s words. “I’m good as long as I can still swim with you,” he says after a while.

“Don't be stupid,” Rin scoffs, though there’s an instantaneous glow to his face that a blind man can’t miss. “Of course, I will. The day I don’t is the day I can no longer move my legs.”

Haru nods, and actually deigns to grace Rin with the limited edition tiny, embarrassed smile. “I’m glad. Can I keep the pool keys?”

Rin laughs. “Up until my last day of captainship! After that, you’re negotiating with Ai.”

Speaking of Ai, it’s him Rin turns to next. “Ai, I can’t thank you enough for sticking it out with me for the past couple of years. Also, I’m so proud of the way you’ve worked so hard to get to where you are right now. Both of those things couldn’t have been easy, but you did it, and for that I’ll always respect you.  So, are we good?”

Nitori smiles back, brittle but genuine. “It stings a bit senpai, but I’m very happy to hear those things for you." He gives Rin a little bow, and mumbles under his breath: “I guess this means I can finally say yes to Uozomi and Minami’s invites for a threesome...”

Rin of course, hears his mumbling perfectly. “See, you’re becoming a lot more like me already!," he says, beaming proudly. "I knew I made the right choice when I made you Captain!"

He turns towards Rei next. “Rei, without you, I wouldn’t have gone back to the person I once was. I’ll never forget what you did for me and Haru, and I’ll always be grateful.” He holds out his hand. “We can still be friends right?”

Rei takes Rin’s hand and shakes it. “It’s just as well,” he answers, adjusting his glasses, his eyes surprisingly dry. “The captaincy coupled with university applications will render me quite busy for the incoming year, and I could certainly use the additional time to prepare for both.”

Rin smiles in agreement and turns towards the last of them. “We're going to have to discontinue our 'special training' but as a compromise, you can still stare at my chest all you want.”

“Okay Rin-senpai! Wait-- if you're breaking up with me, does this mean I can date Gou-san now?” Momo asks hopefully.

Rin’s sunny smile immediately dissolves into a scowl. “No.”

“Aww. Then, can Onii-chan--”

“No.”

“But I haven’t even--”

“Do you want to have some ice cream Momo-chan?” Nagisa interrupts, jumping between the two of them. “I’ll treat you if you come with us right now!”

Naturally, with the promise of free sweet treats, Momo brightens up like a beacon. “Really? Okay!”

Without further ado, the three of them leave, Momo draped all over the other two like he’s their exuberant, hyperactive child, and Makoto quickly shakes his head before the image takes root in his brain, which is actually quite horrible, when one considers the fact that Momo’s one of Rin’s boyfriends. Well, exes now.

Kisumi takes a quick glance at the clock and then claps his hands. “Well, Rin has made his choice!” he says, cheerfully, turning towards the four remaining people in the room. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m scheduled to do irreverent things to Makoto’s body in the next two minutes so if you could kindly make your way out, I’d really appreciate it.”

Rei immediately gets up and leaves before Makoto can even say anything, his ears blazing the colour of his eyeglasses.

Nitori stands up calmly, thanks Makoto for the tea, and follows suit.

Makoto plasters a reassuring smile on his face, and pretends he doesn’t want to find a rock he can live under for the next few years. “Ah, Kisumi is just joking, Haru,” he says, laughing like what Kisumi said was something particularly clever and not at all mortifying.  “He’s  very…respectful, I promise.”

Haru purses his lips, and gives Makoto his patented “Makoto-you’re-my-best-friend-and-I-love-you-but-you-have shit-taste-in-boyfriends” look he’s been sporting ever since he caught Makoto and Kisumi making out in the Iwatobi SC locker room after hours.  “At least you’re still getting some.”

“If you think you can guilt Makoto out of our deal Haru, that’s not gonna work,” Kisumi singsongs, amused as always by Haru's grumpiness.

Haru shrugs and stands up, packing his things. "Do whatever you want."

Makoto frowns, and he reaches out when Haru passes by, touching his wrist briefly. “Haru, are you sure you’re okay?”

“There’s always the pool, Makoto.”

Yamazaki snorts and stands up as well. "You can't have sex with the pool Nanase.”

Haru adjusts his bag around his shoulders and turns towards Yamazaki. "You're welcome to join us anytime."

It takes a moment for what Haru said to register in Makoto’s head but when it does, he can’t help hiding a smile behind his hand, _That was smooth, Haru._ He feels irrationally proud, even though Yamazaki still looks like he wants nothing more than to punch Haru in the face. With his mouth, or his fist, Makoto’s not really sure; the slight tint of red cresting Yamazaki’s cheeks is confusing things. 

"You're a freak,” Yamazaki blurts out after a few seconds of opening and closing his mouth in random intervals. “And I hate you."

Haru shrugs, unperturbed as always. "Won't stop me,” he answers, before walking out the door, leaving a thoroughly poleaxed Yamazaki gaping after him.

As soon as Haru’s footsteps fade, Kisumi immediately leaps up to sling a comforting arm around Yamazaki’s shoulders. “I read from Rin’s notebook,” he says, in the tones of a wise sage about to impart his esoteric knowledge to a hapless wanderer. “That Haru’s really good with his fingers.”

Yamazaki glares at Kisumi for a few more seconds  before the stiff line of his shoulders recede, and his scowl turns contemplative instead.  “You know,” he says after a while. “I don’t really hate Nanase.”

Makoto rubs his temples and sighs wearily. “His house is right up the stairs, and the hidden key is under the lemon pot.”

Yamazaki nods, and leaves shortly after. Makoto closes the front door behind him and leans against it, taking a moment to contemplate the strangeness of his life. He briefly considers going out to go bother Yuki the cat, before he remembers his boyfriend who is already dressed like a cat and still waiting upstairs. He brightens up considerably.

“29 minutes and 30 seconds,” Kisumi tells him, divested of his coat, and laying down on Makoto’s bed like a magazine centerfold, when Makoto gets back to his room and locks the door.

Makoto groans and crawls into bed beside him. “That was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done in my life,” he whines, pressing his face into Kisumi’s neck. 

“There there,” Kisumi says, pulling Makoto closer. “Nothing your boyfriend in a skintight catsuit can’t fix.”

Makoto sighs, and appreciatively runs a palm along Kisumi’s stomach, feeling every flex of his abs from beneath the PVC spandex, and Kisumi scrunches his face, like a cat getting scratched behind the ears. “Hey,” he murmurs, feeling himself unwinding gradually, his shoulders relaxing. “Rei told me it has been scientifically proven that petting a cat reduces stress levels.”

Kisumi shifts, facing Makoto. “Experience told me the same thing about blowjobs,” he replies with a wink, and gives Makoto a complimentary grope for emphasis.

Makoto laughs and groans breathlessly when Kisumi keeps going, the tips of his fingers skimming just beneath the band of Makoto’s pants. “Is Nagisa really going to be Rin’s new boyfriend?”

“Mmm, that was the deal.”

“You’re incorrigible,” Makoto says, though he doesn’t complain when Kisumi  takes Makoto’s hands and wraps his school tie around them, criss-crossing the green material between his wrists and pulling them together. “What are the other terms of the deal?”

Kisumi doesn’t pause in his task, finishing off his handiwork with a neat square knot. He nudges Makoto, who obliges and loops his tied arms around Kisumi, who quickly darts in for a slow, lazy kiss.

“Hey,” Kisumi says, when he breaks away. “Do you find Rin hot?”

The non-sequitur slices a path across  the golden haze of pleasure fogging Makoto’s brain. He blinks. “Is this a trick question?”

“It’s a yes or no question.”

Makoto decides to be honest about it. “Then yes. Do you?”

“Yes.” Then after a beat, Kisumi adds: “I wasn’t kidding about the threesome.”

Makoto knows that of course; Kisumi has never been shy about his affections and the people he wants to give it to. “I would’ve been less resistant if you didn’t ask it in front of his five boyfriends.”

“So if they weren’t there, you would’ve considered it?”

Makoto remembers Rin's words: ' _if I could handle five, you're more than capable of handling two_ ' and wonders why he's feeling retroactively challenged all of sudden. "I guess.”

Kisumi brightens up, and he graces Makoto with another peck on the lips, before squirming out of the circle of Makoto’s tied arms. “Good, so we’ll have no issues then.”

Makoto’s brow furrows. “What are you talking about?”

Kisumi leans forward, and takes another one of Makoto’s ties from the nightstand. “Well,” he reminds him, grinning in a way that makes Makoto both shudder in arousal and dread. “You did say _anything._ ”

At that moment, the door to Makoto’s room opens for the nth time that day, and Rin steps inside. He doesn't even blink when he catches sight of the two of them. “Nagisa says I can have one last hurrah before I enter monogamy so…”

Makoto just stares at him, his jaw still hanging unattractively. Kisumi smiles, and taps it shut for him.

“I’ve never had a threesome before,” Rin adds when Makoto still doesn’t say anything.

“Neither have we,” Kisumi says, with a playful squeeze on Makoto’s bicep. “Right Makoto?”

Makoto swallows and tries to nod, but he just couldn’t bring himself to _move_ (though this may partially be due to the fact that Kisumi has effectively tied his wrists to the bedpost without him realizing it), as the situation slowly registers to him with aching clarity.

Rin’s gaze is incredibly direct when they meet Makoto’s, his eyes dark and inviting beneath his lashes, and that’s the moment Makoto knows he’s so, so _screwed_ , in every manner of the word. He watches Rin’s tongue dart between the pink bow of his lips, wetting them before speaking again.

“I still taste like ice cream.”

 _Overkill_. Makoto can actually feel his defenses crumbling like a cookie with poor constitution and he knows Kisumi can feel it, if the way he’s smiling indulgently at Rin is any indication. 

“Really?” Kisumi drawls, as he pulls off Makoto's belt with quick sharp tugs even as his gaze is entirely focused on Rin. “What flavour?”

Rin walks slowly towards them, the silver pendant around his neck glinting from where the light of the afternoon sun touches it, drawing attention to the elegant lines of his collarbone. He reaches the bed, one knee digging into the mattress, his smile looking almost sweet, despite the sharpness.

“Vanilla,” he answers, and pounces.

~fin~

**Author's Note:**

> Oh man, if you made it this far, congratulations. :D


End file.
